Get Busy Living

It has been 18 months since my husband, Jim, died. We were together 18 years. It is strange how I find solace in number patterns. It takes 9 months for a baby to come into the world. Jim lived for 9 months with his cancer diagnosis, and with his death I was ushered, unwillingly, into a new world. A dear friend recently posted to my Facebook wall, “It's so nice to see you living life to the fullest and enjoying yourself. You deserve it!!!”  And that got me thinking about what has changed.

When Jim was struggling for those last breaths before the ventilator, I told him I would be his breath. That has taken on new meaning for me now as I realize I am living for both of us now. He would not want me to sit and mope. He would want me to seize the day and make the most out of every moment. He would give anything to have a few more days, so I owe it to him, and to me, to make the most out of my time, whether it's just one more day or another thirty years. And so, I choose life.

My encore career is that of an educator. I was teaching 5th grade when Jim was diagnosed and I took some time off when he died. I made the decision to go back and finish the school year. I felt the kids needed a lesson in resilience and I needed some structure during those numbing months. The next year I returned to my classroom and every day was a struggle. During my first career in hi-tech, if I was having a bad day I could stay home or at least just shut the door to my office, not answer the phone. But with 30 little darlings expecting me to be on, I could not easily not show up. Somehow I got through the year, but decided to take this year off. Jim and I worked hard to save for our future and his death brought about an urgency to live life to its fullest.

Unthinking friends say, “how lucky” I am to be able to take a leave from work. They don’t understand I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have Jim back. I would work every day for the rest of my life. But he wouldn’t want that, and doing so would not bring him back. It’s not luck, it was hard work and we made sacrifices all along the way.

In that first year I barely wanted to leave the house. And I still find it difficult, but know it’s time “to get busy living or get busy dying.” (Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption) Many of my adventures are a tribute to Jim, a trip to Yosemite in his sports car, travelling to the Midwest for his sister’s 50th birthday. But I am, finally, finding joy in my new life. I am doing my best to honor Jim the best way I can, by living life abundantly and with gratitude and grace. We all should be living life to the fullest. We all deserve it!