Out of the Valley: You're So Lucky

Friday, November 13, 2015

You're So Lucky

I returned to work two months after my husband, Jim, died. I am a teacher and returned in April, and then had two months of school then two months off for summer break. I returned to what was arguably the second hardest year in my teaching career. After that I decided I needed a break, and am currently on a 'gap year', trying out retirement at the age of 56.

People say to me how lucky I am that I can take a year off work. Lucky, really??

I started saving 5-10% of my income the day I started working. I have worked hard for almost 40 years to be able to have the choices I have today. When Jim and I were married, we made a concerted effort to pay off our house and live debt free. No, we didn't take a lot of fancy vacations or buy luxury cars, but we did enjoy life. In fact when we were both in high tech, we lived 'richer' than either of us had ever dreamed possible. We created our own home theater and our back yard is my retreat. We love the beach, the forest, family and found our joy in simplicity.

We planned to retire young, travel more and slow down. And then came the news that would forever change us, BC and AD - Before Cancer and After Diagnosis. Jim always believed he would defy the odds and live 20 years or more. He used to tease that I should document everything I do just in case i got hit by a bus. Despite his optimism, he began to take care of business in ernest. Before his disability payments kicked in, he started selling off car parts and stereo equipment. He was so worried that his disease would deplete our hard earned savings that he even considered selling his car...his other love. Fortunately, the payments came through and he could stop worrying, a little.

After he died, I was informed that his company life insurance policy would be paid. I would gladly give it all back to have Jim, but I know it was his plan that if either of us died, the survivor would not have to work. That first year back to school, I had to work...not for money but for sanity. But the next year, I called upon Jim's wisdom and took a break.

So, I have saved all my life and my husband died...lucky? No. Not at all.

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About this blog

On May 3, 2013, a bronchoscopy confirmed my husband, Jim McConnell, who would turn 53 two days later, had stage IV cancer. He fought valiantly, never ever giving up hope, always with a sense of humor. We had shirts made for all of us that read: Cancer Sucks: Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the toughest SOB in the valley. An incredibly short journey of nine months later, I had the joy and sadness of saying good morning to my husband Jim for the very last time. After going through initial stages we all go through, the shock, the numbness, the disconnect I realized I was on a new journey. It was no longer our journey, it was mine alone. I traveled with him into the valley of the shadow of death, but he had to go on alone Where he had to step, it is not yet my time. In the beginning of my solo journey, I pictured myself at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, a beautiful spot, and indeed, my life with Jim, despite his cancer, had been a beautiful life. We were blessed in so many ways. Yet in those long months after his death, I felt I was at the bottom of a very deep, dark, primeval place, my own Phantom Ranch, and I needed all my strength to climb out. I am getting stronger, and now, it’s my turn to take a step on my own, to somehow figure out how to climb out of the valley.