Out of the Valley: Getting Unstuck. Part 1

Monday, November 7, 2016

Getting Unstuck. Part 1

Today's meditation mantra or centering thought was "I embrace the newness of each day". The mantra was the wholeness of the universe is my true self. So I've been meditating on getting unstuck with Deepak and Oprah. The thing that I feel stuck in is my grief. It's not that I don't believe that I'm going to grieve forever. I am. I can't help it, it's part of who I am and always will be. Jim will always be a part of who I am and the loss of Jim that was always a part of who I am, as well. And I am okay with that.

But what I do need to figure out is how I go on living with that grief being a part of who I am. I've been putting a pretty good show. I've been keeping busy and doing interesting things and even doing a little bit of traveling. But in my heart I still feel like a charlatan. I feel like I am going through the motions and at some point everybody's going to see through that and see that really I'm just a sad, sad person who's pretending to be happy. So what I have been trying to figure out is: how I move beyond the sadness of grief, and move into the living with grief and eventually the thriving with/despite grief.

What I'm working on now is the revelation that I had today that the wholeness of the universe includes Jim's spirit. I absolutely do not believe that our spirit dies. I don't know what happens after death, I don't know if there's heaven. I don't know if there's reincarnation. But I do believe our spirit lives on.

So if our spirit lives on, then our spirit is part of the universe, And the wholeness of the universe is part of my true self. So Jim will always be a part of me and that's never going to go away! Maybe I am not stuck at all and I am just continuing to integrate this new reality into my consciousness.

It is, I am, A work in progress.

Each day is an opportunity to accept my grief as part of my new normal, and embrace the life that I still have left to live.

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About this blog

On May 3, 2013, a bronchoscopy confirmed my husband, Jim McConnell, who would turn 53 two days later, had stage IV cancer. He fought valiantly, never ever giving up hope, always with a sense of humor. We had shirts made for all of us that read: Cancer Sucks: Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the toughest SOB in the valley. An incredibly short journey of nine months later, I had the joy and sadness of saying good morning to my husband Jim for the very last time. After going through initial stages we all go through, the shock, the numbness, the disconnect I realized I was on a new journey. It was no longer our journey, it was mine alone. I traveled with him into the valley of the shadow of death, but he had to go on alone Where he had to step, it is not yet my time. In the beginning of my solo journey, I pictured myself at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, a beautiful spot, and indeed, my life with Jim, despite his cancer, had been a beautiful life. We were blessed in so many ways. Yet in those long months after his death, I felt I was at the bottom of a very deep, dark, primeval place, my own Phantom Ranch, and I needed all my strength to climb out. I am getting stronger, and now, it’s my turn to take a step on my own, to somehow figure out how to climb out of the valley.